


let there be light (let me be right)

by unhappyrefrain



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Eye Trauma, Nightmares, Nonbinary Kurapika, Other, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trans Character, basically just feelings porn, i don't care, i think about ptsd pika all the time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-13 00:04:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3360311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unhappyrefrain/pseuds/unhappyrefrain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are galaxies contained within Kurapika's eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	let there be light (let me be right)

Kurapika has a dream, the same dream they've had since they were twelve.

Their childhood home, standing empty of warmth and life, the bodies of their parents lying on the floor, eyeless, sleepless. Kurapika doesn't scream; they're used to this part of the dream, they see it when they close their eyes sometimes when they're awake, their mother's cheeks stained in blood like tears. Gazeless broken faces stare up at them, and Kurapika backs up, clutching at their tabard, quietly. Their father always said that the eyes are the windows to the soul; with the Kurta clan, it's a literal description, how their eyes burn with emotion, flare up as if blowing on hot coals. Kurapika wonders if having your eyes taken would mean having your soul taken as well.

Something tugs at Kurapika's sleeve. It's Pairo, standing up, trying to get their attention. They turn their eyes (monstrous and intact somehow) to their childhood friend, their heart stopping as they notice that his eyes, too, are gone, empty holes in their sockets, twin disappearing souls.   
This is the part where Kurapika's heart rate accelerates, where they start making quiet noises of distress in their sleep. Kurapika reaches out, freezing in their tracks as Pairo waves a lifeless hello.

"P-Pairo?"

"I knew you would come back," intones the innocent voice. "You left us. You left me."

"I know," Kurapika answers hoarsely, their voice catching. "I'm sorry, Pairo, I only wanted to help--"

"You _left_ us." The voice becomes harder, but still has Pairo's childish tone, something Kurapika remembers flawlessly. It gives them chills. "You left all of us. Like you knew what would happen."

"That's not true," Kurapika stammers, biting their lip to keep from crying. "How could I have known--"

"Does it feel good to live, knowing that you left us all to die?"

These aren't words Pairo would ever say. But they dig in, like knives, nevertheless. Kurapika's body starts to twitch. Tears spill over, unbidden, from their eyes. They can feel them burning, alight again, the fire that never quite goes out.

Pairo reaches out, touches Kurapika's eyelids with two fingers. Something tickles the back of their neck, and Kurapika shrieks when they remember what happens here-- spiders, crawling up their spine, black and chittering, all legs and jaws as they come around to the front of their body. Kurapika tries to brush them off with their hands, casting down their eyes which have now turned a deep, fearful crimson, trying to wake, to forget. But somehow the spiders know, glaring wildly at them, and then they're on Kurapika's neck, and then their tiny spindly legs are tracing the outlines of their trembling eyelids, and then Kurapika starts screaming and doesn't stop screaming until their vision goes completely dark, stolen, soulless--

  
  
Their arm flails, hits something hard and wooden. The pain is enough to wake them up. They mumble something in Kurtan, still out of breath from screaming.

Kurapika's heart is racing; there are wet streaks down their face. Panicking, they bring their hands to their cheeks, wiping and then staring at them-- _oh_. It's not blood. Just tears. Just a nightmare, but one that Kurapika knows all too well. They can still _feel_ the pinpoint tickle of the spiders' legs on their neck. Shivering, they stand up weakly, knees weak, like a newborn lamb, and walk into the bathroom, falling onto the shower carpet with a muffled sob and a Kurtan prayer.

They don't stop crying for what seems like ages. Doubled over, a ball of pain and memories and regret, Kurapika imagines a world without them, one where the Kurta clan was massacred cleanly-- every single one of them-- no one needing to pick up the pieces, no burden of vengeance to carry anymore. Just bodies, and peace, and eyeless rest.  
  


Kurapika is still trying to decide if they deserve this life or not when Leorio walks into the bathroom, shirtless and confused.

 

* * *

 

"Kurapika?"

They raise their head, slowly, trying to keep most of the light out of their aching eyes. Their whole body is convulsing in sobs, biting their lip so hard they feel blood on their chin. Kurapika starts mumbling something in distorted Kurtan, their voice a twisted wreck, and Leorio's there in an instant, at their level on the floor, wrapping his long arms around their trembling shoulders.

"Shhh," Leorio tries, placing a hand on the back of Kurapika's neck. "It's okay, I've got you, hey... hey, Kurapika, look at me..."

Their language is still muddled, and in a mix of Japanese and Kurtan, Kurapika spits out the words: " _Don't_ look into my eyes."

Leorio seems confused, but seems to understand somehow. "It's gonna be fine, Kurapika, you're here and you're safe..."

"Don't... don't look at me, at my eyes, I'm a monster, I'm... I'm a monster who couldn't protect their own clan, I don't... I can't..."

They collapse into sobs again, face pressed into Leorio's bare shoulder. Hands grasp at his back, long nails digging into his skin, but he doesn't seem to mind; Kurapika needs all the stability they can get right now. He's seen them like this before, when the trauma catches up with them and they collapse under the weight of their own past. Right now, Leorio knows what he has to do.

"Kurapika," he repeats. Grounding. "Kurapika, listen to me. Focus on my voice, okay?"

Kurapika gives a tiny nod against his shoulder. _Progress_ , Leorio thinks. Ever since Kurapika first opened up to him about their PTSD, he took it upon himself to learn absolutely everything he could about how to help them. Sometimes the most effective treatment is contact, companionship, and although it varies for everyone, this is something Leorio knows works with Kurapika. Before he can offer comfort, he has to pull them back to reality first.

"You can hear me, right?"

Kurapika nods.

"Is it okay if I touch your back?"

Another tentative nod. Leorio wraps his arms around Kurapika's frail form, rubs their back slowly, in circles, through their shirt. Kurapika begins to breathe slower, and the tension in their body lightens the slightest bit.

"Are you okay to talk?"

They shake their head. Leorio knows this is the part where yes or no questions work best. Kurapika doesn't have it in them right now to handle questions without a solid answer.

"Okay. That's okay. Can you look at me?"

A pause. Leorio is expecting them to shake their head hard, curl back into themself, but instead Kurapika nods slowly and lets go of their tight hold on Leorio, backing up just enough to let him see their eyes.

They're red, intense with emotion, and ringed with blotches of tears. Leorio reaches out very very slowly, brushes Kurapika's face before cupping their cheek in his hand. Kurapika closes their eyes, and a new wave of tears spills over, but they're the calm kind, the kind that comes after everything. Leorio pulls them closer, continues to rub lazy circles on their back as their breathing fades into soundless movement and they bury their face in the curve of his neck.

"Okay. You're doing better. You're doing good, Kurapika, keep breathing," Leorio whispers, pulling them onto his lap and letting them drape over him. Kurapika complies, their heartbeat still quick, but breath quieter and softer. "You're doing so good. Just breathe."

And Kurapika does.

  
  
Their body unwinds, finally, Leorio's arms still around them, supporting them in case they still can't find their feet when they stand. Kurapika can move now, making it to their feet and then back to the bed. They collapse with a decidedly stubborn sound, and Leorio accepts that both of them are staying in bed for today.

"How are you doing now?" he asks, quietly, against the pillows. Kurapika pushes back into him, nestles in the curve of Leorio's body.

"Good," they sigh, and then continue. "I'm... going to make some tea."

"Oh no you don't," Leorio frowns, pulling the covers back over them. "I'll do it. What do you want?"

"Um," Kurapika thinks, then yawns and decides. "The chai tea with the cocoa flavor. Not the other one. The one in the dark-colored packet."

"Roger that," Leorio confirms, rolling out of bed. "Sugar? Milk? Wait, I know-- two sugar cubes..."

"...And a splash of cream." Kurapika finishes sleepily. "Thank you, Leorio."

"Don't mention it," Leorio mumbles, and throws on a shirt before heading to the kitchen, his face gaining heat from the way Kurapika's lips form his name.

 

* * *

 

He makes Kurapika's tea with patient hands, pouring the not-quite-boiling water over the teabag, dropping sugar cubes once it's done, watching the cream create swirls in the cup.

Leorio thinks about how weird it is that Kurapika only takes a bit of milk with chai. Leorio thinks about Kurapika, in general. The way they roll their eyes, the face they make when they're asleep. The taste of their lips. How they cry when they think no one is around.

Leorio can't _stop_ thinking about Kurapika, and it might be a problem.

He contemplates going to play the piano, but quickly decides against it. _After all, they're probably asleep again,_ Leorio thinks, and then starts to fret. What if they're dreaming again, falling back into the same nightmare, what if they're thrashing in their sleep? Leorio nearly drops the tea with the force of his worrying, then catches himself and half-runs into the bedroom.

Kurapika catches him off guard just as much as Leorio does. They're sitting up in bed, nonchalantly reading a book. They almost don't notice Leorio coming in until he says their name, and the reaction is obvious, like a startled animal. Quietly, pretending nothing happened, they close the book, tucking the slip cover into their page to save it.

"Tea," Leorio sputters, unhelpfully.

"I see."

Kurapika seems mostly back to their normal self, albeit a little jumpy. Their eyes are mostly half-closed, the way they look when they're calm. Leorio slides the teacup onto their bedside table.

"Tea," Leorio repeats, rather clumsy all of a sudden. Kurapika barely even responds until Leorio stops, walks over to his side of the bed, and slips into the covers. Only then do they reach over and start to sip their tea. Leorio wants to push his face into a pillow. Kurapika is so _cute_ , and he shouldn't be thinking about this right now, not after what just happened like, one hour ago--

"Leorio?"

Only when Kurapika prods his side does Leorio notice he's been staring.

"Uh. Um. Yeah?" Leorio tries, sheepish.

"I'm okay. No need to stare."

"I know, I was just..." He doesn't even try to explain it away. Kurapika is giving him a quizzical, somewhat interested look. They finish their tea, set down the empty cup, as Leorio grimaces at the wallpaper, ashamed.

The next time he turns around, his mouth comes in direct contact with something soft. He can't see anything because Kurapika is kissing him and-- _oh._

Kurapika is _kissing_ him.

He didn't know he wanted this, but it's not something he'll just pass up. Their body is warm against his, lips tasting vaguely of spice and brown sugar, and then their noses bump together quite awkwardly, and then God _dammit_ Kurapika starts giggling, and Leorio can't get enough of that smile against his lips, laughter light and like wind on his face. It's so nice to see them smile. They're pressed up against him, so close that Leorio can feel the softness of their chest through their shirt, and on instinct he draws back, worry creasing his forehead.

"No," Kurapika says adamantly, pulls him back towards them. "I'm fine. Don't worry." And then they're pressing their lips to his again and Leorio gets lost in it, forgets everything but the taste of Kurapika's mouth and the heat of their breath and now he's not sure what else he could live for, just this, love feather-light and fluttering kisses. Before he knows what he's doing he's crying, stroking the side of Kurapika's face, where their pulse hits thin pale skin, awake and very much alive. _Alive_. Every heartbeat a separate reminder.

Kurapika gives a small smile, warm and tender, fingers coming to the first button of their shirt. Leorio stops them, but only for an instant.

"I... don't know how to say this, but..."

"But?"

"I'm so happy you're alive," he breathes, and something inside him breaks as Kurapika smiles even wider and tears come to their eyes, burning there, spilling over their eyelashes. Leorio kisses where they fall, soft on their cheekbones, and Kurapika nods. They understand.

(They always have.)

 

The next minutes are a flurry of difficult clothes and open mouths, lips and teeth and fingers running over bare skin. Kurapika can't get their clothes off fast enough, and Leorio is barely wearing much in the first place, so when Kurapika pulls their shirt up and over their head, crossing their slender arms over their chest, Leorio can't stop staring.

"I love you," comes the breath from Kurapika's lips, and Leorio watches as their eyes glow a deep red, the fire that never goes out. They _never_ say things like this out loud. Almost never, only now, and Leorio feels the tears come back full force, taking Kurapika's chin in his hand, lips meeting again, foreheads pressed together, skin against skin. And then Kurapika is on top of him, eyes blazing, and Leorio kisses down their neck, marking the pristine flesh there. _Yours_ , in every breath Kurapika takes, Leorio's mouth all over their skin, _yours, yours_. They give a gentle whimper when his fingers run over the curve of their chest, a long whine choked in their throat, tapering off into a sigh, a breath, _yours. Yours. Always._

 

* * *

 

It goes wordlessly. Kurapika's body says all their mouth would need to. Nothing comes between them now, Leorio doesn't try to explain, Kurapika doesn't try to elaborate, what it feels like, joined, connected. They move their hips slowly, eyes half closed, as Leorio sinks into them, gentle warmth filling the hole in Kurapika's heart, where their clan, then their trauma, then their vengeance were, then nothing, nothing but unending love. Every inch of Kurapika comes alive, energy and fire, as they move slowly against Leorio's body, mouth open, breath coming out in gusts.

Neither of them try to speak anymore; they're both too wrapped up, breathless in each other. Leorio's arms hold Kurapika steady, keeping them balanced when they cant their hips forward, eliciting a strangled moan from his throat. Light and sound, the gasps and thrusts and whimpers, and the constant glow of Kurapika's scarlet eyes, meet midair, clash and fall into sparkling dust around them like craters.

Leorio can barely think-- Kurapika is so warm and tight, comfort where their bodies join. Every time they make love, he realizes, it's like he's memorizing them all over again, fingers tracing the patterns on their skin, writing down the bones, committing every gasp and cry to memory as if they were something that could be captured and treasured, fairies dancing in bottles.

Kurapika gives a high moan, moves faster and more desperately, nails digging hard into the bone of Leorio's hips. A long, wordless whimper, something so rife with heat and passion, falls from Kurapika’s reddened lips as their body arches, then falls apart, shivers rocking every inch of them. Trembling fingers cling to Leorio’s hips, leaving white marks on his skin, and Leorio gasps, looking up at Kurapika from below. Eyes a galaxy-deep crimson, wide and open as the sky, blink open, and with one glance Leorio falls in love again.

 

Time blurs together flawlessly. Leorio isn't quite sure where he came apart, and where Kurapika followed. But they're draped over him, chest heaving in an attempt to breathe, legs still wrapped around his waist, and Leorio doesn't mind. It could have been hours ago, or mere seconds; time has become so fluid that it no longer matters.

Kurapika takes in a deep breath, and Leorio hears entire universes humming there, in the safety of their ribcage. An asteroid belt, he thinks, in the space between their lungs; where their heart beats, a blazing sun.

 

**Author's Note:**

> with golden string  
> our universe was brought to life  
> that we may fall in love  
> every time we open up our eyes
> 
> \- sun / sleeping at last


End file.
